I woke up sad and tired and mourning... again

My days are starting and ending with sadness.

The dread has become a familiar friend and bed companion.

I've wished it away and when wishing didn't feel like enough I prayed too.

I asked for a peace to come in the place of the brokenness.

Requests for a reprieve escape through sobs.

It sometimes comes

though it is fleeting

or perhaps it stays but is again drowned out by pain.

I've been qualifying my pain.

Do I deserve to even open up myself to process the pain I feel

when so many others have it worse?

my suffering though it consumes me feels so small up against this horror story backdrop

everyday, a new nightmare.

one bleeds into the next

and I keep screaming even after the alarm goes off.

I can't stop.

The terror I am feeling inside knows no bounds

though I've done this amazing job of building up walls around it

that usually protect my sanity in this strange world.

walls so strong, so bold, so tough that it's prisoners very rarely escape

when they do they are met by the firing squad of suppressive thoughts

(you've met them already)

they warn me to be grateful and shut my mouth (spirit)

So,

I feel like everyday I'm failing. I am disappointing this person and letting down that person.