My days are starting and ending with sadness.
The dread has become a familiar friend and bed companion.
I've wished it away and when wishing didn't feel like enough I prayed too.
I asked for a peace to come in the place of the brokenness.
Requests for a reprieve escape through sobs.
It sometimes comes
though it is fleeting
or perhaps it stays but is again drowned out by pain.
I've been qualifying my pain.
Do I deserve to even open up myself to process the pain I feel
when so many others have it worse?
my suffering though it consumes me feels so small up against this horror story backdrop
everyday, a new nightmare.
one bleeds into the next
and I keep screaming even after the alarm goes off.
I can't stop.
The terror I am feeling inside knows no bounds
though I've done this amazing job of building up walls around it
that usually protect my sanity in this strange world.
walls so strong, so bold, so tough that it's prisoners very rarely escape
when they do they are met by the firing squad of suppressive thoughts
(you've met them already)
they warn me to be grateful and shut my mouth (spirit)
I feel like everyday I'm failing. I am disappointing this person and letting down that person.
I'm not doing enough and even when I am, it doesn't feel good.
I am hurting someone's feelings and not advocating appropriately for another's.
I complain too much. and I cry too much. and I drink too much.
The too much list is abundant.
I am all hoped out.
My heart is waterlogged (saturated with all the tears)
and I don't want to keep trying.
But I will anyway.
I will clutch another crystal and say another prayer.
I will write down my words on page and read them and let them heal me in their honesty.
I will be brave. I will forgive myself.
I will decide that though I woke up sad and tired and mourning... again
I can share the beauty in my resilience with the world in spite of it all.